Fallen Dreams And Faded Hopes

Sideways Stepping, still moving forward... just not very far...

2005-08-07T21:09:54Z

Over the last two weeks a lot of things have happened... most of it things I guess where bound to. Resolution to a few things, the end of others, and the complication of some. Thankfully a few things have stayed the same.

I'm getting to play some of my games again,that makes me happy. Been so long since I could game on a regular basis. Not as often as I like but it's at least something to look forward to.

My Ex and I, I think have, have finally come to the resolution stage of your 5 year realtionship. It has finally been gottten thru to him that I need him to leave me be. Both of us still need to heal. Unfortunatly it took way to much effort for such a simple end. But this is how i guess I should have expected it to be. Nothing is ever as easy as it should be. Life will alway complicate anything it can.

Although on a lighter note to that... I am the happiest I've ever been in any relationship. When my "tiger" first moved in I was a little worried that was going to end our relastionship in a hurry but things seem to be going very well. I am truely happy right now... it's a nice feeling.

I've gotten to see my aunt, my sister and my nephew a lot over the last few weeks and that's cool too. A few people I don't get to see often. They always make me feel better. Went to the zoo yesterday with my Dad and Lil Bro. That was fun.

Well that's about everything. Nothing I really care to go to deep in to.

All My Love Eternaly,
Crimson

Stop Knocking, Please...

2005-07-29T14:28:17Z

When I'm in pain,
there's no one around to hear
There's no one around to see
This is the way I want it,
only one, only me

You can't harm what isn't there
meaningful or not it isn't there
you can't break what walked away
it won't happen so I walk away

I do what I do for you,
and me...
I'm not a monster
I just have to be

I'll close the door for now
back up and walk away, wait
it will open again one day
but right now I'm trying to sleep

Does anyone hear
Does anyone see
this is what I want
this is how it should be

talking to stone
and yes it does bleed
I'll stop cutting...
if you stop knocking

One day this will lie in peace
and this will be good to see
but until then, stop knocking
and I'll stop backing away

I need you to back up,
let your hands heal
Back up from the door please
so I can wash both sides clean

-Crimson

Candy Wrapers and Crab Apples... Today I Found Purgatory

2005-07-18T12:39:36Z

I'm sure your read the headline and even if you had no intention of reading a long entry still made a mental not to come a back and read this just simply for the name. It fit to well for my morning. Seriously though... I found Purgatory. It's about 2 blocks from my apartment. Granted it's just my opinion but just when I walk into this place that's all I could think of. If I had to describe Purgatory... this would be it.

Well I'll start from the begining. Like usually I got off work early this morning... you know when most sane or "saner" people would be sleeping. I went to bed with Smith like usual... but couldn't sleep... like usual. The cat jumped on my just as I was falling asleep and it woke me up completely again. So I waited til Smith fell alseep and got up got dress and decided to take a walk. I usually do this at 1 or 2 a.m. But today was different I got to go when the sun was coming up so I thought it would be kinda neat to take a walk and watch the sun.

I was walking, clearing my head and like normal not really paying attention to my surroundings just walking and keeping my attention on the sky. Basicly making sure not to really think of anything at all that's been going on and trying to destress a little. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a park... playground and decided to investigate. Thinking it would be nice to know what ones are around here if my Sis brings "Bug" up or if my other Sis brings her little "Hope" up. Or any of my other friends with little ones. I cross the street and start to think how absolutely cheerful and depressing this sceen is. Let me elaborate what I saw and then you'll understand.

The Playground big toys can just barely be seen over the tall bushes and couple of trees that line the street. There's acctually a walk way that leads to the brick pathed path to the play ground equipment. The bricking is newer, bright white the bushes and trees are bright green. The Toys them selves match, white and green... even the signs around the park declaring Woodridge Park District match... white and green. But there is no one around... the area seems so lonely... neglected. Mind you this is 5:30 a.m. so of course there's not going to be anyone around... it was just so quiet though. Almost no sound... no birds, no wind, no cars... just me and the matching playground equipment.

A feeling of both saddness and happyness seemed to radiate off the place. Everyone should remember this feeling. Remember how happy you where when you where little when you arived at the playground and got to run and play. Then how sad and heart broken you where when the words time to go where uttered? Well it just beamed of this place. Like the area was so sad no one was around to use it... but happy that later it knew there would be.

The path split off and went up around a little hill, oh the hill surrounded by more bright happly green bushes as what looked like and abandoned gazebo. It to was once carefully painted a matching green with white trim, and picknick tables to match. But unlike the industrial heavy duty plastic of the playground, the weather had done it's toll on the little shelter. It looked so gloomy surrounded by the merry shrubbery loomed in darkness from the over cast white, purple and pink sky.

On either side of the forgotten Gazebo the plesently white little brick path turned in to hard black asphalt. The Asphalt looked weathered aged and well used. I decided to follow the path to see if there was a place to park a car for easier access if I did ever wish to return to this place with little ones. When I rounded the Gazebo on my newly found path I had to stop and stare what I saw absolutly took my breath away.

Purgatory... that's what I saw... I don't know anyother way to describe it.

The first thing that assalted my eyes was the field of dry, dead, yellow grass. Then I realised all around this vast depressing field of neglect was nothing but a line of painfully cheery, bright green trees that streched up to the skyline. The sky was now turning a touch yellow with light purple and pink undertones... the sun was fighting to break thru but the clouds we're having none of that. It was just so... depressing... but pleasent... peaceful... but disturbing... There was no sounds... no smells that stuck out. It was like the absence of everything. And anything that would draw emotion had a counter part to cancel it.

I kept walking on the path in absolute... awe? I guess that's the best word for it. There where houses on my left I could see inbetweent the trees as I walked. I looked down in to there fenced off empty yards and at there dark abandoned looking houses. The grass in all these yards was that painfully chipper green like the trees, encassing the drap dull houses and yards. The path came to a curve and I could see a large area of hard black asphalt with shocks of yellow... the parking lot I was looking for. Walking towards the lot I got a better look at the field infront of me... and realised there where faint but slightly visable lines in the field. After a few moments of inspection and realiseing that they where man made weathered white lines I realised this was a soccor field... the sign by the parking lot confirmed my thoughts. Some how those fade lines made the field just that much more depressing.

Even the parking lot was amazing in it's own dreery way. Yellow lines dulled with weather and age still stood out so brightly against the cold asphalt and the unnervingly happy green trees. I stood in the middle of the 12 car lot for a little bit taking in everything I just saw. I then realised that the street that led in to the parking lot was infact the street that further down lead into my apartment complex. Go figure I've passed here a hundred times over the last year and never even knew it existed. Funny what you find when your not looking for it.

So I decided it was time to return home and walked downt the street, pondering and reflecting on the "purgatory" I had just found. Rationalising to myself that in a few hours this place will be nothing like what I just saw. The feel would be different and the peaceful seren blandness would be disrubed with everyday life. It's still before 6 a.m. as I'm walking back and now I'm more aware of my surroundings and much more... Thoughtful to them. A little ways down only left I spy a drainage ditch... it's about the size of a children soccor field... small basicly and I realised this too I've never noticed. It also had dry dead yellow grass... but I noticed somthing odd about it. All around it was patches of bright lovely white flowers. The little weed flowers that look pretty but are plant choking weeds none the less.

I couldn't help but stop and stare once more. How ironic in a field of death something pretty flourishes. This thought made me reflect on life in general... the prettiest things seem to always be surrounded by something dark or unpleasent.

Finally I got myself moving again and spyed something else that caused my jaw to drop... yet something else I'd never sceen. Inbetween my Apartment and my newly found "purgatory" is a house that some how manages to stand out and blend in at the same time. Whom ever owns this house has spent a fortune on plants and lawn exsesorries. Upon actual examination not just passing glances the lawn is quite busy and cluttered with assortments of potted and soiled plants and numerous lawn ordiments. But to the casual observer the color tones are so drab and lifeless that it blends in with it's dull surroundings. It's like an eden camoflaged in the open. It was amazing... and the only thought I had was "I wonder if I'd get introuble for taking pictures of the house?".

This person was either a master landscape artist that reveled in the obscure or just color blind and lucky. Either way it was amazing. I will have to sometime soon take another early ass crack of dawn walk and hunt down these places of awe again, but armed with my trusty camera. I fear thought that the mood will never be quite the same... the temperature... not to hot not to cold. No wind, no noise, over cast dull sky. It was just to eerily perfect and drap.

I guess what amazed me most was how looking around everything just seemed to reflect in perfect harmony the absolute blandness of this summer so far. All around you see attempts at make in it out to be somthing special... bright little flower beds... children playing... it's all the same yet everything else is just so dull.

I'm almost back to my apartment, walking by all the other complexes staring at the ground, and noticed something... Everywhere the only thing I saw on the ground was candy wrapers and crab apples. There's a few trees in the lot that the kids like to climb and the apples fall everywhere and get trambled or thrown. And then there's the reminates of the little ones. Candy wrapers, patches of burnt grass, fire work shards, broken forgotten toys litter the yard. I had to laugh... it was so typical and sad and cute and utterly annoying. Or I was just tired. Heh either one I guess. Well nothing really happened after that. I'll write again after I go next and will hopefully have some pics and someone will be able to show me how to post them.

Ok I'm done... no dark or cute litte phraze this time.
Out...
Crimson

Interesting

2005-07-18T11:13:35Z

The Withered Lover

What sign of the Black Zodiac are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Heh, well um hehe... I guess that explains alot

2005-07-11T10:54:26Z

HELL LEVEL 2
Raw score: 80%

You're just about as deep in sexual hellfire as a person can get. Virtually no urge, however demented, will go ungratified; practically no boundary will go uncrossed. You're probably proud of your adventurousness, and, honestly, you should be. Few people are confident enough to pursue pleasure on their own terms.

Your morals could sink a bit further, sure, but it's mostly likely that you've got a pretty good idea of what you're into and what you would do...above you're honest with yourself with what you want. If more people told the truth, you'd have a lot more company down in the flames.

AVOID: the lost souls in sexual heaven and (above all) the denizens of sexual purgatory. You don't need any prudes or wishy-washers in your life.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 75% on hellish

Link: The Sexual HELL Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating

Hehe... DICTATOR I RULE YOU!!!

2005-06-30T07:48:23Z

King Nebuchadnezzar
You scored 57% Pride, 50% Envy, 75% Ambition, and 50% Deceitfulness!

You are King Nebuchadnezzar, the emperor of Babylon. You are part of a long tradition of Middle Eastern dictators. Like any good dictator, you possess the attributes of pride and ambition in good measure. Your ambitious nature drove you to conquer much of the Middle East, including the kingdom of Israel. You subsequently put the people of Israel into bondage. You also tend to be very direct with your friends and enemies alike. You prefer to tell people exactly what you’re going to do and how you’re going to do it. Your position in society and your imperial army give you the ability to do this with impunity. Unlike many Middle Eastern despots, you are a very good ruler and you happen to treat your own people quite well. You might be a biblical villain, but I’m sure you’d make a good dictator in the 21st century, if given the chance.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 62% on Pride

You scored higher than 58% on Envy

You scored higher than 76% on Ambition

You scored higher than 49% on Deceitfulness

Link: The Which Biblical Villain Are You Test written by MetalliScats on OkCupid Free Online Dating

Chain reactions, bloody hands and the usual pain

2005-06-29T11:22:48Z

I don't know how one hand can continue to bloody the other. One little step and it's all over. I didn't do anything wrong... but I still haven't done anything right. I can't give up my past but still want the future so much. I want what I had seemingly so long ago, but it's gone. I looked what's left in the eyes yesterday and any last hope died. I want what I have to be true... but I can't help but let the past taint what I see. I can't tell and it hurts. I can't even speak of why I cry, at least not completely. I don't belive or I don't want to... I hope it's that latter... that can be changed so much easier.

I think I'm afraid, afraid of what could happen if I get what I want afraid of loosing it just the same. I'm told it's not my fault... but it is in one way. I gave up on somethings and moved on to others. I'm not a bad person, but there's no way I'm good either.

I just sit with my mouth shut to what I'm really thinking and mumble about something else. Still trying to figure out just what I'm feeling. It could be just pain, perhaps guilt, or maybe it's just that fear. Either way it's the reason I'm still awake. The reason I can't sleep and the reason I've been sick once again.

Get over it, relax it can't be that bad, your making it out to be bigger then it is. Your stressing out over what you can't change or choices that have already been made. Nothing can change them now and life simply moves on.

Yes yes I know all of this, but it doesn't change somethings. Nothing can and it's still a wound that I don't think will ever heal. Maybe I don't want it to maybe I'm not ready to let it heal. A reminder I think I still need. It's just another scar right? Doesn't mean anything in the long run, may as well let it bleed now... no point in having to open it again.

My hands are covered in so much blood... I can't even tell who's it is anymore. One hand bloody's the other, over and over again. Get one clean just to wipe off the other. I look around and worry... I'm so scared to loose it all again. That's what life is though right. Things come and they go, people come and they go. Life changes with the wind, I guess I'm just hoping to just one time... not loose it all at once again.

I want to live, I want to love, my pain won't stop me... never has. But hinder it seems it shall. One hand bloody's the other. And some days I'm not ment to win, I new everything that happened before it did... I worry so. For it's what comeing soon that I can't see, I can't predict it I can't read right now like I normally can and that scares me.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see... like everyone else does. So be it. Just one last ponder... then I'll let this ache rest. I just can't help but wonder what it means when to wound stops running red.

Here's to you and yours...
Here's to something brigher...
All my love, eternally,
Crimson

more...

2005-06-08T18:34:28Z

You are the warrior anime girl.You are the type
that can start a fight and win.You are very
strong and can beat anyone up (but just don't
^_~) and some people can be afraid of you but
alot of people admire your strength and want to
be just like you well the people that want to
fight.You can defend yourself very easily and
can probably handle some kind of weapon.You
have a short temper(like me)and get angry
easily but you can be really nice at times
^_^and once a fighter always a fighter.

If You Were An Anime Character What Would You Look Like?(Girls Only)
brought to you by Quizilla

The Goddess of Fire and Happiness. You are a ball
of energy. Always compassionate and full of
life, you can make anyone feel happy and you
are exceptionally uplifting. You are an
individual beauty.

Which gorgeous goddess are you? For girls! (breath taking pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Morpheus

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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You need understanding.
In your life there has been many people that
could never seem too comprehend your
personality. Now you have either become an
out-cast because of their narrow minds or you
have adjusted yourself to them, and never
letting them see who you are deep inside. You
now think that no one will ever understand you
and you hate that fact. Though you are scared
of what the effects might be if you would
decide to let someone in so you keep a safe
distance that you both curse and bless.

What Do You Need in Your Life? [dark pics]
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a cat woman. You are independant and very
self-rigious. You have a mind of your own and
are not afraid to show it. You tend to hide
your true feelings and get frustrated (easy).

Who are you inside????? (LOTS OF RESULTS)girls only
brought to you by Quizilla

Meh stuff to do...

2005-06-08T09:42:42Z

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well... hehe I guess that would be why I've never been dumbed heh, go me... *laughing my ass off*

You kill for
revenge.
That is because you have lost something or
someone you held very dear. Now you can't seem
to get over the loss that marked your soul, and
the only solution is to go after the one person
who brought all this pain to you. Chances are
you are angry inside and you bottle everything
up and don't talk to anyone about it. People
may want to help, but you think that they can
never understand your pain and only get
frustrated because of this. But it is important
to see all that you have left and be thankful
of that even if you have lost something great.
It may not be true that Times heals all wounds,
but with time and talking about your feelings,
maybe the hurt will ease.

Main weapon: Yourself
Quote: "You can close your eyes to
reality but not to memories" -Stainslaw J.
Lec
Facial expression: Gritted teeth and
teary eyes

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

Well, yeah I can see that...

You like the sweet, shy type.

What kind of guy are you most attracted to? (CUTE anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

hehe...

You're like me! The intelligent loner. You're shy
at times but friendly, and you are never weak
and always independent. You are incredibly
intelligent (wise beyond your years) and have a
talent for many things (sports, music, art).
You have a kind and warm personality and enjoy
the simple things. Like hanging out with
friends and watching movies at home. But you're
sometimes quiet nature makes you a bit of an
outcast and a mystery to people. No matter how
pretty you are or smart or athletic, you just
can't seem to break into the crowd and be
noticed. Don't worry, try to be more outgoing
and speak out when you have more to say. Don't
hide behind your books and sports and computer,
get out there and get noticed. You also have
deep desires in life and feel vunerable and
alone at times. Don't feel sad either, What
helps me to express feelings and dreams that I
can't say to people, is through my writting.
Maybe you should try.

What kind of girl are you? (with pix!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Alright... can see that...

Your Heart is Red

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

heh, go figure

1+1 and you should know the rest

2005-06-08T08:48:37Z

1+1 should equal 2
and
2+2 should equal 4
and so on
and so on

but sometimes... for some reason
not always do they add up

It's as simple as it gets
the oldest equation in the book

1+1=2

no muss no fuss
2. Done.

Yet it doesn't... not always
actually almost never...
always some stupid variable that fucks it up
or some sort of hiddend denominator
or some ass backwards equation
same result fucked up way of getting there
you know the:
(4-5+6-1)*(5)/(10*1)=2

easy answer lots of shit to get there
far more then nessesary
but there none the less

But my favorite as of late is the:
1+1=3
add it up again and...
1+1=3
and its beyond me how that adds up
and math is one of my strong points
go fucking figure

and yes for anyone confused I am comparing
everyday problems to math problems
it's so simple and so vauge

I'm sure a few will understand what I'm saying
and a few will just think I have to much time to think
others will just shrug and say... well that's crimson
and still others will just forget this moments later

I'm just venting... it happens...
Nothing major, nothing I guess new
Just me thinking... and pondering
and being me...

But I will leave this post with one final coherant toast

Here's to whatever fortune send our way
Here's to the tears, the laughter and the pain
Here's to knowing that no matter what the end
Sitting next to us we'll always find a good friend

All my love, Eternally,
Crimson

A few words saite the wanting

2005-05-31T16:11:27Z

Lyrics that remind me of how I feel lately. A certain someone if they read this may understand compleatly. The confusion of everyday life and the want to care about those you care about even at the cost of oneself is amazingly potent...

what's all this talk of a notion?
I'd rather drink from the ocean
what did you mean when you said no?
I only want what is best for you
but I won't ever let you drown
no I won't ever let you down

cause I am my enemy
the water's up to the knee
I never wanted nothin' from you
yes I do, yes I do
my engine's runnin' on time
my head's so fucked up inside
shut up, I know, I said so

there is no way to recover
you told me there is no other
the surface is getting hotter
I'll shove your head under water
but I won't ever let you drown
no I won't ever let you down

cause I am my enemy
the water's up to the knee
I never wanted nothin' from you
yes I do, yes I do
my engine's runnin' on time
my head's so fucked up inside
shut up, I know, I said so

Water, Breaking Benjamin

Something from the horses mouth as it were. This is a poem I'm trying to turn it to lyrics. We'll see how that goes, it's rather depressing, but then again most of my work is. Mind you this is still a work in progress it has no name yet. Comments and suggestions are welcome.

Weighted silence among the blinded masses
muttering brokens tounges and falted truths
even now they look right thru
If not for the day I chose to spoke
my name they would not know
if not for the need
my face never seen

Memorys short and moments long
just a thought I'll always be
here and gone, fleetingly
at any moment I could leave
just disapper and fade away
out of sight out of mind
dead before my time

I'm still here and already you forgot,
I haven't left yet still I'm gone

Walk thru the door
They smile and wave,
then they say a different name
Invisable to the last
yet here I stay
guess I enjoy the pain
maybe one day it will fade away

I haven't left yet still I"m gone
I'm still here and already you forgot

I'm here and I'm gone
hard to remember what you never saw
I'm by your side and not at all
I'm still here, but still I'm gone
I haven't left, and already you forgot
I'm still here, I haven't left
and still I"m gone.

I couldn't tell you what this next one is. It just came to me and I wrote it down. May be part of something larger but for now it's simply a verse that haunts me.

And here on the Ancient Fields among the forgottens swords and broken wings, the aged Heros and refurbished Villains answer to the greatest fears of all. All the hope left to decay, this is now our way. Nothing left, just the sound. The sound of breaking hearts and bones. Over the hills and thru the blooded plains, only their deathened ears hear in vain.

One more before I call it a day. Small poem to frame the mood...

Before you go...

Happyly hollow, all in vain
saddend by the fallen rain
given hope by the sunny day
shattered by the sudden pain

Cry your tears, I'll cry mine
say tomorrow will be just fine
it's all we can do
just pretend it's true

Hidden behind our busy lives
and so we bleed to try
no regretts, just hopes and fears
and the want to have you near

But before you go
one last request
kiss me hard
and never forget

Another round anyone?

2005-05-31T15:08:03Z

So it's been a month since I posted. I guess I should write something. Hell it's even been requested of me. Unknown to me I guess a few actually like my twisted poetry and driven tangents. I just lately haven't been in the mood to write. I've had so many things to say or express in my own unique way, but when I sat down to do it, any passion I had at the time just slipped away. Like a dying muse, when I think it's going to make it... it's heart stops and hope is lost once again. Or I'm just to tired to care, to try, to want or believe.

The last few weeks have been eventful... but not at the same time. I can't say anything other then a few sparing moments really spring to mind when I try to recall the good and the bad. A phrase I heard just recently seems to fit it well...

"Same shit bigger pile". It works.

I'm not upset, I'm not really anything, just tired, hurting too but thats not anything really to tell. Just another scar... nothing more. I have lots, I really don't even notice them anymore, at least not until someone points it out. My roommates good at that, heh thanks kitty sometimes I can be rather thick headed and need things pointed out. The pain just helps me remember I'm alive and that's what counts. Things will resolve for what ever is the better eventually, I just have hold the wound till it stops bleeding.

But enough about my so called dilemmas and heartaches. It's not what people want or need to read about. I'll scrape up some poems and call it a day.

Heres to you and yours
All my love, eternally
Crimson

Hey, I"m still alive

2005-05-03T13:35:26Z

Been a good little while since I posted anything, figure I should. Got my computer back *ahhhhh* is so nice.... things have been going alright mainly. No major catastorphes to report had an awsome weekend, went to a few parties/clubs/gatherings. Mostly good. Hehe, noting earth shattering... got a shit load of poems and lyrics to post soon as if find all the pieces of paper they are one since I couldn't access livejournl for some dumb reson on the rent-a-shit computer. other then that... check ya later and dun for get to look behind ya once in awhile, never know what ya just missed...

All my love, eternally,
Crimson

A few poems to add to the mood...

2005-04-12T20:07:55Z

What's Real

Time is only as long as you belive it to be.
People are only as real as you let them be.
The pain only hurts as much as you think it should.
Love only means as much as you want it to.
You will always be what you belive yourself to be.
Perception is Reality, choose what you belive.
Perception is Reality, choose how you'll see.

Feather Fall

Feather fall and fade
Heaven waits, silence bound
Shadows bend, filled to consume
Day faulters, darkness prevails

Feather fall and fade
It's so simple, let it bleed
Life's so vain, it's not real
One more hope, for pain's sake

Feather fall and fade
Dream for real, live blindly
Feather fall and fade
The grounds never that far away

All the wonderful thorns and barbs life has to offer....

2005-04-12T19:03:26Z

So here I am currently on my lonely ass day of procrastinating on our wonderful small ass really fucking hard to type on Rent-a-Center loaned computer, attempting to get my internet fix since I haven't had one since er... wednesday? My computer up and died on me... litterally. It turned off on it's own and won't turn back on. Dead postive it's the power supply... so I get to go check out case prices and all sorts of wonderful shit like that.

It's been very trying these last two weeks and this weekend just took the fucking cake. I feel like the world just gave me the finger and everyone else just sorta shut me out. I know most of that isn't true. Can't help how you feel sometimes though ya know. Oh well it's not important, my biggiest problem as of current I guess would be the fact that just after i got my knee basicly back in working order, I get sick and I've been sick for about two weeks now. I can't seem to shake this nasty cough. I don't wanna be gross so I won't enclude the wonderful details of this little joy of mine. I know it's centered around my allergies but this is the longest I've every had something like this. So it's made it very hard to deal with all the little things that life has to throw at you. I'm basicly not a nice person and haven't been for a while and since I'm aware of this like one of my friends posted, i'm in "a very dark place" currently and not coming out anytime soon it seems. I'm hiding away from most people cause I'm afraid of hurting them. So anti-social again I go. I'm afraid of getting in to meaningless arguments that aren't acctually directed towards the people I'm talking to or saying something to harmthem that I more then likely didn't mean. So... I'm just staying away. Even my poor room mates I'm hiding from I come home and hide in my room. They know somethings up but like most anyone who knows me they know when I'm ready I'll talk. Or stop sticking my head in the sand at least.

There is a shit load of other things that I"m currently carrying on my plate and not a single one now that I think about it I have the ability to speak about over a public journal. lol there just no one else's buisness except for the ones in volved. And I'm sure they'd be a little upset seeing it here...especially the ones that don't even know I'm brooding over it. soooooooo... I guess that's it... for now. I can't even talk about work it's to grrrrrrr... So I guess my little sudo update post will be cut short for now. I really am alright I just heh... need to kick this fucking allergy cold, cough thingy... it would help soooo much but what can ya expect, after all it's spring and I'm the season's stress ball.

So here's to you and yours, may your day's and spring be far more pleasent then mine currently are. I'll propably post a poem or two and then go back to my hole. It's a good day for hiding.

All my love, Eternaly,
Crimson

Seeing to much...

2005-04-03T07:42:53Z

I sit here in the quiet of my room, hearing things that once were there.
I sit here afraid to sleep, for who knows what dreams may come.
I sit here shaking from exhaustion, to many people, to many lives.
I sit here praying to whom ever will listen, let this be one night of peace.

I can't help but fear peoples touch, what visions will come?
I can't help but hide away, who would believe such things?
I can't help but scream, won't they just rest for one day?
I can't help but cry, won't something, someone just make them stop?

Everywhere I go...
Everywhere I look...
They keep whispering...
They keep pushing...

Like a bad movie over and over again they play.
Like a bad nightmare, they just won't go away.
Each night I fall asleep shaking, and wake up crying..
Each night I pray for peace, and each night I go unheard...

Seeing can be such a gift
Seeing can be such a curse
Seeing can make one complete
Seeing can drive one insane

Before I never would have believed
But now I know
But now I see
one truly can "see" far to many things...

(The song describes how I'm feeling so perfectly... it's eerie)

WHISPER, Evanescence

Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
This truth drives me
Into madness
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away

[Chorus:]
Don't turn away
(Don't give in to the pain)
Don't try to hide
(Though they're screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light
(Never sleep never die)

I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be
Blinded by tears
I can stop the pain
If I will it all away

[Chorus]

Fallen angels at my feet
Whispered voices at my ear
Death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear
She beckons me
Shall I give in
Upon my end shall I begin
Forsaking all I've fallen for
I rise to meet the end

[Chorus x3]
Servatis a pereculum.
Servatis a maleficum

Angel Tears

2005-04-01T07:32:06Z

Angel tears falling from the sky,
kiss your face so bitter sweet

A touch of magik for this long goodnight

Let me brush them from you gental features,
let me kiss away the tears

Just for tonight we'll hold each other close
and pretend the Angels weep in joy

Joy ment only for you and I.

A few words on what can not be said...

2005-03-31T17:08:23Z

Breath

Draw in the smoke and ashes
Breath deeply, take it all in
Hold it til you lungs scream
Until the edges fade
Vision blurs red
And then let go, exhale

Draw in the tainted air
Breath deeply, take it all in
Hold it til your lung scream
Until the edges redden
Vision blurs black
And then let go, exhale

Funny how one you should kill
But the other can still too
Smoke and ashes, tainted air
One just ends you faster
Supposedly, sometimes
I guess which is up to you

Take your pick,
Just remember,
You still have to breath

(I give credit to any whom can figure out what this poem IS ACTUALLY about)

current events and what not...

2005-03-31T16:42:41Z

Let's see what's been going on since I last posted an update, for me acctually quite a lot.

Funny thing is knowing where to begin or what I should acctually post.

One of my good friends moved in with me about a month ago, as I thought it's working out just fine. Him and i will more then likely will soon start looking for a different apartment soon. I love my father dearly but living with him has grown... what's the best word to use... old? Tiresome? Dad is the kind of person you can't help but love and there really isn't anything wrong with living with him, hell he cooks and cleans and does his best to keep the place fairly organised it's just... I feel the need to be off compleatly on my own, theres more to it then that but I guess that's a well enough reason for the moment. Or at least that I'm willing to tell on a public journal. He's a good man, but like everyone has his own issues. But none of that really matters much I guess in the grand picture.

What else, I know most of my friends know this but I don't think I've actually come out and said on here that I'm seeing someone new. Been seeing him since the begining of the year. New years eve at Scary Lady Sarah's party is actually when we offically hooked up. I've know him actually for a couple of years inside my gaming friends. I've liked him for awhile, just never did anything for I was in a serious long term relationship before now. How far will it go? No clue. I like him alot and care about him deeply. He's sweet and caring, calls or IM's me just about everyday just to see how I'm doing. Right now he's one of three people I depend on a lot just to get through someday's. He'll listen to me bitch about something, tell me his opinion after I'm done ranting, and then say something to make me laugh that usually involves some horrible way to end the existance of what ever is the cause of my rant. I have no idea how long we'll stay together, it's sure not going to end soon and I'm happy about that. I actually really don't stop and wonder really how long we'll be together. I'm just looking forward to each day we are, lol that's a good thing right?

Ok, what's next... hrm... Well one of my best friends is going through a HUGH crisis... one of the largest I've ever been thru with her. And I feel completely useless in it. All I can offer is support and an ear, which is all she claims she needs. I've tried helping in a few ways... one of which seems to have back fired... *sigh* And I don't know what else to do. And it doesn't help that on today of all days I was gonna try and see her but I feel so horrible I just don't know what to do. She's say's it ok to still come up and see her I just don't know if I can make the drive. Well we'll find out later I guess. I just wish I had more ways to help, I wish I could do so much more. I can't take all the pain away not like I use to. I feel sometimes that I'm loosing touch with the part of me that could do such things... and I stand idlely helpless by while all these horrible things keep happening to the people I care about. I guess I'm just getting weak. I give her my blessings every night. I know she knows it. I guess support is all I can offer and just what I'll keep giving until it works or I cave in. Love ya sis...

Family update... Well my actually family is doing fine I guess. You already heard my little tangent about my father so no need to touch on that again. My lil brother has been sick on and off for two months, half real half made up to extented he's lack of going to school. My mother has always babied him and basicly he gets whatever he wants and does whatever he wants. My grandfather only supports this. Part of the reason is because I just got reitterated to me yet again is because she still hold a grudge agains me because I couldn't live with her and grandpa, mainly her. Because of this my bro is the "good child" while I'm the loser, uncareing evil one whom doesn't give a shit about her family or anyone else and is remnded of this on a regular basis. and she wonders why we don't talk much. Funny how that works isn't it?

Ok, my other family. My sis and her baby are doing pretty will. "boo" as his current nickname would be is doing alright, he's been fighting a cold for over a week now, poor thing. Had to go to the doctor and get saline solutions squirted up his nose... and as my sis put it the whole building heard his "screams of joy" he like it so much. She tired and worn out but hanging on and wouldn't trade him for the world if it offered. Part of the problem is her grandma had a heart attack and is in need of lots of attention from her daughters so Mom (her mother, my adopted mother) has been haveing to do 3 hour round trips to help out. I mean it's all things everyone will get thru it's just hard when stuff happens all at once. And I wish I was around more to help out Mom and Sis, ( I was going to go over today, but seeing as how Boo is sick already and this maybe more then just allergies I'm not going to risk getting a two month old sicker, no way in hell). So I'm just gonna have to try harder to see them. (take note that I call my blood mother mother and my adopted mother Mom). But it'll be alright over there I know it will, just as always it takes time. There in my blessings as well, especially my lil nephew.

Next... PARTIES!!!!!!!!

I've gone to two in the last couple of weeks and both were fucking awsome. The first one was on Sat. the 19th. SLS held a birthday party for Moses, it was awsome, my roomie (the reason I got invited to the party) got to spin some of his mixes and honestly was the only one that got ppl out one the dance floor most of the night. He did awsome and has been praised for it ever since, so the *coughs* attention whore... has his spot light (love ya kitty). He has two different gigs going in the next month. Ones a party for someone he knows and the other is he gets to play a set and the next Nocturna. It's pretty cool. But the party it's self was awsome and I actually got to mingle and meet a few new ppl danced a fair amount once I got over my slight claustruphobia (ie a shot of vodka and slamed a Baccardi and coke).

The other one was I went to my first Nocturna last saturday. It was fucking awsome. Smitty (my guy incase I forgot to post his name earlier) drove us there, and my friend J met us. We had a blast, dancing and drinking and bullshitting. Got to see a lot of ppl, hung out with Mathews again, that was cool and got to see almost all of my good friends out on a dance floor at the same time... two more ppl there and it would have been spectacular... maybe next time. Once again I had to "cure" my phobia... Smitty was awsome he just patiently waited for me to be able to walk over to the bar... and laughed at me, lightly wided eyed when I polished of two vodka and coke's in under two mins... (lol and I was trying to be slow hehe). But basicly it was one of the best night's of my life, can't wait til next Nocturna.

Anything else? Not much I guess. Denny's is going just fine. Still wanna go back to school looking into how I can. *shrug* that's basicly the brunt of it. There are a few other things that I would like to say but they'll have to come out in the form of poems and small epiloges... There either to painful or just not something to post in a public journal. But I can't say I'm doing badly, of course things always could be better. A million dollars, new car and a house to start but hey I got no problem swinging at what life throws my way... somedays ya miss,some days ya hit, some days ya score *wink*, some days you get rained out, some days you win the whole fucking thing.

I guess that'll be it for now. I'm know more poems shall be posted soon. Lol, I can FEEL them heh. Ok dearests my life tangent is done.

May your and yours be at peace, may all whom you belive look upon you and smile, and may the next time it rains... look up into the sky and whisper the name the means most dear to you and may there rain wash everything else away.

Here's to the rain,
Here's to us,
Here's to the pain,
Here's to the joy,
Here's to each day,

All my love, Eteranlly,
-Crimson

Just Bleed, a reflection in life

2005-03-25T08:05:00Z

I wonder how much longer I can stand here
I wonder how much longer I can hold back
Only a matter of time I guess before I let go
Only a matter of time before this breaks

They all stand around me, each taking turns
Carving marks into my still soft flesh
Riping gashes into my still beating heart
Shreading slowly what little sanity I have

Some say they do this out of love
Some say they do this out of respect
Some say it must be done for growth to occur
Some say it must be done for healing to begin

I look down at my hands, coated in blood
I look down at my chest, oh look, my heart
It's not beating, I wonder why
It's not beating, wonder why I'm smiling?

Have they finally driven me to my end?
Have they finally taken all they can take?
Have they finally sucked me dry?
Have they finally ripped me compleatly apart?

Oh, wait, look, it's beating again
Funny, how hopeful one can get
Funny, how sometimes you look forward to the end
Oh well, life goes on, sort of

Back to the races, back to the pain
Back to what I know, back to the same
On day it will change
On day I'll be able to breath

Until then, I guess I'll just bleed

I can't say that I'm not still hurting or not still up set even after writing this. There's still something bared deep inside that still won't rear it's ugly head. When I do manage to illuminate the depths of my so called mind and soul and find out what is still tearing at me... more poems will follow I'm sure. I haven't update in a while for the simple fact of this. My depression hasn't compleatly lifted... but really can't be called a "depression" anymore... prolonged saddness seems better. My heart is still so heavy and my soul weighted. But worry not about me. I strive for it is what I am.

Peace of mind, love and all that binds, may this be all that your current path finds
and may whom ever in you belive look down upon you and smile

A small blessing from the battle worn, unforgiven, fallen angel.

All my love, Eternally,
-Crimson

heh, ok...

2005-03-21T17:55:34Z

How to make a Crimsonfallen

Ingredients:

5 parts mercy

1 part ambition

3 parts ego

Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of wisdom

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

unique... I guess

This is who I am...

2005-03-18T00:15:28Z

Fall for me
Fall into me
Run right through
Run right passed
Why can't you hear?
Why can't you see?
Give me a kiss
Give me a hand
This is really me
This is who I am

I'm only what you dream
I'm only what you belive
Am I only a faint touch?
Am I only a brief moment?
Give me a kiss
Give me a hand
This is really me
This is who I am

Pretend to care
Pretend this means something
Just for me
Just because
Just say we're alive
Just say what we are
Give me a kiss
Give me a hand
This is really me
This is who I am

Let me live
Let me die
Let me dream
Let me live my lie
Give me a kiss
Give me a hand
This is really me
This is who I am

Leave me to live and
Leave me to die
Leave me in my dream
Leave me to hide
Offer a kiss
Offer a hand
This is me
This is who I really am

HEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-03-16T22:01:57Z

Wolverine
Congratulations! You scored a super 33%!

You are the hunter, the lone wolf. A rebel without a cause. You don't play by the rules, and whilst you have some sense of morality and do-goodery in you, saving the world is a little far beyond your grasp. The people you're trying to save often fear and misunderstand you, while your enemies tremble at the whisper of your name. And just because you prefer to slip under the radar, this doesn't mean that you won't pummel seven shades of crap out of anyone who gets you angry. Your main aim isn't fame or fortune, as this is very much a personal mission you've embarked on. You feel that by taking out the scum, low-lifes and common thugs, you can repay your debt to the world for your past crimes or a twisted past. Hmmmm, ok so it's a tough life... but hey, at least you look cool. Respect.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 1% on Heropoints

Link: The Which SUPER HERO are you Test written by crayzee69 on Ok Cupid

HEHEHE AWSOME I GUT YOU!!!

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz.

Ok, well um... yeah... go me...

Find your Role-Playing
Stereotype at mutedfaith.com.

I'm not that annoying am I *blink*

Bourbon
Congratulations! You're 113 proof, with specific scores in beer (40) , wine (66), and liquor (69).

Screw all that namby-pamby chick stuff, you're going straight for the bottle and a shot glass! It'll take more than a few shots of Wild Turkey or 99 Bananas before you start seeing pink elephants. You know how to handle your alcohol, and yourself at parties.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 33% on proof

You scored higher than 87% on beer index

You scored higher than 88% on wine index

You scored higher than 90% on liquor index

Link: The Alcohol Knowledge Test written by hoppersplit on Ok Cupid

heh, and I don't like bourbon

crimsonfallen @ 2005-03-13T20:06:00

2005-03-14T02:20:48Z

Rip me up and tear me apart
Find the weak point and dig in
See me bleed, hear my pain
Here's my heart, set it a blaze

Free me from what binds, let it die
take away my last few breaths
Leave me in the wreakage
from this I will not survive

It's all the same, never a change
see the colors bleed together
Red to white, fade to black
Barren, scarred, hated and marred

Useless and used, feared and alone
I can't find a simple inbetween
Happy, a word dead to me
Misery is my lone company

Satanic Pagen!!!!!!!!!

2005-03-10T03:04:53Z

You scored as paganism. Your beliefs are most closely aligned with those of paganism, Wicca, or a similar earth-based religion. You may also follow a Native American religion.

</td>

Satanism

100%

paganism

100%

Buddhism

92%

agnosticism

83%

Islam

67%

atheism

50%

Judaism

50%

Hinduism

42%

Christianity

17%

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

Awsome I love animals and belive in only myself... hrm... save the whales burn the populous?